As the representative for toilet paper everywhere, I, Charmin Three-Ply, am flushed with excitement to accept this award for best paper product of the year. I, as well as other proud descendants of the Alabama loblolly pine, wish to thank the American consumer for our extraordinary fame during 2020. Although the toilet paper industry rolled along for decades improving our texture and absorbency, the demand for us this year was “lavatory.” Excuse me, laudatory. Rising from the bowels of obscurity to the most desired commodity of the year was a historic feat. During this year, our pliable softness became a collector’s item. However, our popularity with hoarding Americans nearly created the extinction of our entire species. Privy to few, toilet paper’s struggle to squeeze out a little fame remained largely unknown. However, over the years we progressed from the communal sponge sticks of ancient Roman latrines to a modern American society where cartoon bears sing praises about our indispensable nature.
As toilet paper, we have been the butt of many prejudicial jokes. Pranksters cruelly hung us on neighborhood trees as a sign of disrespect. We suffered humiliation as careless feet drug us from public washrooms and crushed us under their heels. Despite this abuse, we have always been there for America. Adaptable and versatile, we never failed in emergencies. Run out of tissues during a head cold? We pitched in. Have a makeup emergency or a spill to clean up? We never crapped out. This year our loyalty and “defecation,” I mean, dedication was rewarded by a grateful nation. On behalf of the entire toilet paper industry, who swiped out their other paper competitors, I dedicated a poem to commemorate this momentous occasion.
Ode to Toilet Paper by Charmin Three-Ply
I think I shall never see
Tissues as fluffy as you and me.
Whether under or over we turn on the spindles
People are unconcerned – until the roll dwindles.
Our squeezable softness delightful and fair
Praised by derrieres everywhere.
The year of 2020 – toilet paper stands alone
The product most desired in American homes.