Gary Chalk
I am alone in my car parked in our driveway. I am attempting to do what the computer geeks call ‘Syncing Your Device.’ I call it ‘#%$%#!’
When I finish ‘Syncing Your Device’ I will be able to listen to my personal playlist, place and receive phone calls, read my text messages, and scroll through my Contacts in alphabetical order—just like every motorist does. I must wait because ‘Synching Your Device’ takes longer than the last minute of a professional basketball game!
On my lap is the whopping 197-page ‘Connect Owner’s Manual’ that leads idiots like me through a step-by-step guide to ‘Syncing Your Device’—#%$#@! This ‘booklet’ includes eight, count them, EIGHT chapters, beginning with the 10-page Introduction. Finally, I got to Chapter 2: ‘Getting Started,’ which is another 20 pages!
I swear. I practice deep breathing exercises. Even chair tai chi exercises. Nothing works. For the life of me, I cannot get the Bluetooth* Hands-Free thingamajig on my iPhone to become Discoverable* with my Vehicle Settings. (* Legal mumble jumble in the Owner’s Manual.)
I should have pulled my car into the garage and closed the door, so the neighbors can’t see me. This is what happened…
TAP. TAP. TAP. My neighbor is standing outside my car window. “Gary, are you alright? My wife and I have been watching you from our living room window. You’ve been flailing your arms for the last five minutes!”
“I am syncing my new iPhone to my car.”
“You mean you are #%$#@! You are a brave man.” With that he returned home.
Fifteen minutes later I was surprised again. My wife, Jan, arrived home from her painting class. She was frantically knocking on the car window. “Gary. What on earth is going on? I could hear you screaming all the way from the end of our driveway. Are you all right?”
I explained that I was syncing my new iPhone to the car. She encouraged me, “Gary, when you get it set up please sync my new iPhone to my car. Thanks.”
Finally. My Bluetooth Hands-Free thingamajig became Discoverable and all that was left was to transfer all the names and phone numbers from my Contacts List on my iPhone to the car.
One by one as I pressed ‘Accept’ to transfer each name and phone number, my iPhone automatically called that person! My sister, Dianne, laughed. My friend, Reg, chuckled. The others were annoyed at being interrupted. I am not sure why, but my Contacts List includes the phone number for our municipal dump. When I tried to explain myself to the attendant she boldly said, “Sir, you sound like you’re wasted. Hahaha.”
That evening at dinner, I said to Jan, “All I want to do is to be able to make phone calls, receive phone calls, read and respond to my text messages, look up my Contacts in alphabetical order, and press a button to listen and respond to my voicemail messages—ALL WHILE I AM SPEEDING DOWN A FOUR-LANE HIGHWAY! Is that too much to ask?”
Jan shrugged. “Gary, you should have picked up a copy of ‘Getting Connected: An Idiots Guide to Making Your Cellphone Work in Your Vehicle.’”
Living Retired is written by humor columnist Gary Chalk.