16B Olympic Games
Nitwit Olympics winners (photo by Sherann Ellsworth)
Pete Watson
Inspired by the gritty and talented Olympians and not wanting to let Snoop Dog and Flavor Flav have all the fun, Unit 16B, in another moment of blinding stupidity, decided to hold their own version … the Nitwit Olympics. As they entered, guests were given a life-sized replica of the Olympic Torch made of ice cream cones stuffed with Flaming Hot Cheetos. Soon, most of the attendees, suffering from self-inflicted Cheeto Dust blindness, looked like drunks with a speckled spray tan staggering around bumping into each other and trying to find their drinks. As a demonstration sport for the next Olympics, Scott Wilson demonstrated his uncanny skills at juggling while tap dancing and singing “America the Beautiful!”
Don Mamula—the only multiple event winner (photo by Sherann Ellsworth)
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any sillier, the Activity Committee (who elected these guys?) announced three competitive events loosely based on Household Chores. Yes, the ladies were at a huge advantage here, just read on. First, there was Clean Sweep, where the contestants, using brooms, swept different sized Dust Bunnies into weird shaped holes. There was a lot of wasted time as we had to instruct the men on which end of the broom to hold. Next was Cup Stacking—10 Waterford Crystal glasses (purchased at the Golden Goose at Moonlight Madness) in a numbered sequence. Again, the men failed as they kept trying to fill the glasses with whiskey. Lastly, there was Hamper Hijinx, which consisted of throwing dirty sweat socks into metal buckets (hampers). “Hey, I could use a new pair of these” was the common refrain from the guys as they pocketed most of the socks. Sheesh! If it weren’t for Don Mamula conjuring up his past glory as a collegiate gymnast and nailing his patented Triple Spinning Crotch Split Dismount (and getting a 9.8 from the Russian judge, no less), the men would have been shut out completely. As the winners stood on the podium admiring their Hershey’s Chocolate medals, their eyes swelled with tears to the raucous cheers of “16-B, 16-B, 16-B!” As it turned out, we were all winners for getting together again for fun, friendship, and Fritos. Thank goodness it will be four long years before this goat rodeo happens again.